I grew up as the ginger (strawberry-blonde), squint-eyed, awkward child that didn't quite fit in at Nursery or Primary School.  I had very little friends and found it hard to fit in. To compensate for the lack of social interaction, my imagination was the only strength I had.  I was told by teachers that my head was in the clouds and that I were too distracted by posters on the classroom wall and by what others did.  I found it hard to understand what I was learning by simply being spoken at; how I coped was with looking for visual clues on the classroom wall and to see how others interacted with the information.  I had no designated friend to study with or share ideas with to ask 'what did that mean?'   My parents educational background was not that great, so at home I had enormous pressure to both fit in socially and learn educationally.  To cope with feeling so low I created scenarios with my toys where they lived on the planet 'Kirroromon' (yes a variation of my favorite childhood TV programme Pokemon). In a way, they became my friends. I always had the urge to create new things - I loved Blue Peter.  At the time I did not label it 'creativity', for me it was life. The only thing in Primary School that I ever seemed to 'get right' was when it came to imaginary writing - I excelled in that.  Numeracy I have struggled with all of my life and it is very embarrassing.  Telling the time is something that I still struggle with on an analogue clock - digital is so much easier.  Throughout my childhood things happened to me that perhaps made me grow up a little faster than the other kids my age.  One example that I will never forget is the day I was knocked down by a white van on Newton Street in Newtongrange in Midlothian.  I had just turned eight years old.  As the car came closer towards me, I could see the man's shocked face as he dropped his rather large mobile phone.   I froze.  I felt nothing as my legs were hit by the bonnet of the car.  As my face smashed his windscreen, the terror on his face surprised me as he tried to break in an emergency.  As the car suddenly stopped, my young-fragile body hit the pavement.  I banged my head off the road and suddenly I saw a car wheel come towards me.  It stopped at my nose. I passed out for what seemed a moment.  

 

As a child we moved almost every three years between Cumnock in Ayrshire to Midlothian in Edinburgh and Fort William in the Highlands.  The chance to make friends seemed slim.  Trying to catch up with my school work was always an issue.  I felt like I was always one step behind everyone else.  I had always been bullied at Primary School because I were different.  A few names spring to mind, 'specky-four eyes', 'ginger bastard', and the list goes on.  I became more of a recluse towards Age 10 and developed what my mother called 'puppy fat'.  Little did I know that this moment was when my life would change forever.  When I went to Lochaber High School in August 2002 I met two friends, Edward and Ryan.  Like me Edward found it hard to fit in as he'd moved from England.  We clicked and I felt like I had a best friend. We shared many moments together including being extras in the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban which was filmed in 2003.    My friend Ryan and I made a documentary on 'Our Life' in the Plantation in Fort William.  Ryan and I had aspirations for our own boy band 'Wild Guyz' - looking back it was great to be a child.   Towards the end of filming our documentary 'Our Life' I had the horrible news that we were to move back to Midlothian in Edinburgh.  My heart sank at the thought of leaving friends behind - this was in the days before I ever used internet sites such as Bebo or Facebook, so remaining in contact with people would always be difficult.  

 

In April 2004 just before my fourteenth birthday we moved to Newbyres Crescent in Gorebridge of Midlothian.  I struggled to settle in school - despite my cousins Gemma and Amanda trying to help me find friends.  For the first two months I spent break times standing at the reception desk at Newbattle High School.  Little did I know that this school would be brilliant for me.  When I was in S3, I took the subject Music.  I had always wanted to learn how to write my own songs and learn to sing.  Mrs Lorraine Cormack was fantastic in allowing me to develop my composition and performance skills.  Music became a form of therapy for me and I loved going to school because I had Mrs Cormack believe in me and my musical abilities - she asked me to sit my Standard Grade: Credit music a year early.  I remember feeling overwhelmed as no one had ever believed in me so much before.  She inspired me.  At almost every school show I was laughed at and taunted because I was fat or because I were a male singing.  Despite their taunts I sang regardless - I had music to help me fight.   In 2007 I naivley released a video on YouTube called 'Crazy Fool' which was supposed to be a comedy song.  I however began to receive death threats and horrid abuse such as 'go and hang yourself you fat bastard'.  Without music I would never have been able to cope emotionally with that.  After school, I decided to study at Jewel & Esk College, I was so desperate to lose weight that I turned to a so-called friend who suggested I use a thinspiration website.  Little did I know that this would almost kill me.  I was asked to upload images of my weightloss.  It was never good enough for them.  They told me they couldn't see my bones and that I wasn't trying hard because food was evil.  I stupidly believed them.  They told me to go on a 'tea diet' where I ate nothing at all.   

 

I couldn't believe that I was granted an 'Unconditional' offer to study Music with the University of Aberdeen.  I had dreamed of teaching Secondary Music since the moment Mrs Cormack believed in me - I remember how special that felt. I wanted to return the favor.  I remember moving to Hillhead Halls of Residence on 19 September 2009 and feeling both excited and scared. Against all of the other young adults at university I still felt fat and massive. I wanted to be as handsome as all the other men - I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to fit in and be 'normal'.  I would get up at 5am each morning and exercise in Seaton Park for hours before lectures.  I'd exercise in my room for hours.  I found friends at last, Laura, Alison, Ross and Megan.   My friend Megan became concerned that I was losing so much weight.  Her strength helped me however my thoughts were much stronger and telling me that I shouldn't eat.  I turned to laxatives and would throw up food as soon as I ate it.  I felt so low as I knew it was taking over my life.  I cut off all contact with the thinspiration websites as they made me feel bad - this took a lot of courage from me as I felt like they were my friends.  In October 2010 I was 6 stone.  A guy called Stephen was interested in me and we ended up dating.  At last I had someone who actually thought I was attractive.  I collapsed in my bedroom in Aberdeen after throwing up blood and peeing blood all day.  I however went into work the next morning where I almost fainted after throwing up lots of blood.  My GP made me an emergency appointment at the Aberdeen Royal Infirmary.  I was diagnosed with 'Anorexia Nervosa' and told I had Cholecystitis, Cholangitits, Gallstone, Pancreatitis. My gallbladder and pancreas had given up due to the amount of weight I had lost.  I was shocked at all this news and found it hard to take it all in.  I cried for hours not knowing what was happening.  Doctors threatened to tube feed me if I did not co-operate.  

 

After leaving hospital I tried to seek help to manage my eating disorder by contacting a local eating disorders support service.  I was told that I would have to wait three years to be treated as women were prioritised over males.  I was livid at this news.   I then Googled for male eating disorders support in Scotland and found none, I did find Men Get Eating Disorders Too (a registered charity in England Wales).  For the first time I felt that I was not alone - other males like me had eating disorders.   If it was not for their charity and my friends I would never have had the strength to fight back at my eating disorder.  Throughout 2011 and 2012 it was a struggle trying to re-gain weight, however my boyfriend Kenny at that time made me feel like I was gorgeous and that I mattered.  His support was brilliant.   In December 2013, I relapsed and found myself single and homeless after failing my final school placement.  I was so upset and feeling so low words cannot comprehend the feelings I had.   My friend Megan's support helped me through that dark time.  I ended up failing my final year at university in June 2013 - gutted was not the word, I was beside myself.   However I have always been positively minded and fought back to get the chance to resit my degree.   Meanwhile I saw an advert on the MGEDT Media Group for males to come forward to be filmed on a Channel 4 documentary.  I had nothing to lose so I went forward for it.  This turned out to be the best thing for me.  I flew down to London by Easy Jet for the first time ever on 19 June 2013 to film 'Alex Brooker: My Perfect Body'.  Appearing on that documentary gave me the strength to set up this organisation and turn it into a recognised and reputable registered charity.   Each day is a struggle in recovery from an eating disorder, but to relapse is not to fail, it is a learning experience.   I am proud of all that I have achieved. In honesty, I am not one-hundred per-cent happy with my body image at the minute.  But it's a fight for life and I will always try to stand tall.   It is only now that I realise that I gave into the bullies for all those years.   I am my own man now and no one can take that away from me.